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Ovulation-Induced Psychosis…. Hmmm….

A temporary hormonal imbalance that results in distressing and uncharacteristic behaviours, and disappears once the ovulation cycle is over. Symptoms:

– thinking the world is against them

– assuming people hate them and what them out of their lives when they are admonished

-having little to no patience

– swiftly dismissing people from their life

– crying uncontrollably

– spelling errors

– accidental injuries

– extreme forgetfulness

– taking everything personally

– suicidal thoughts

– violent behaviour

– depression

– hopelessness

– despair

– feelings of being unloved

– bothered by things that don’t bother a person when they are not ovulating

– black and white thinking

– anxiety

– occasional mental confusion

– negative self-talk

– negative talking in conversations with others

– easily stressed out

– making bad decisions

– sometimes choosing to isolate so the person does not lose friends over psychotic behaviour during the ovulation cycle

– changes in sex drive

– hot flashes and night sweats

– not believing people when they are told that they are cared about/loved

– irritation

– a lack of desire to be touched by self or others

– sensitive skin/strong sense of smell

– addiction to sweets/ salty foods

Well… I pretty much fit this description! And I thought I was going crazy! Turns out that I’m not.

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Transgender Day of (In) Visibility

The Transgender Day of Visibility didn’t apply to me personally because I’m not visibly trans. Society at large still thinks I’m a woman without question. A lack of boobs makes absolutely NO difference AT ALL. I get called by some form of female pronoun everyday, and when I correct people, they don’t seem the least bit apologetic. You’d think the OBVIOUS lack of boobs would draw attention. Especially since I wear tiny, tight shirts from the children’s department. How TIGHT do my shirts have to get before they realize it? Should I wear shirts from the toddler’s department instead? I guess I have to write “I am not a woman!” on my forehead with black eyeliner to get people’s attention.

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Do You Think You’re Attractive?

For years, my self-esteem was in the toilet. Until 2011, when I met a man who became my boyfriend and #1 support. He showed me that I’m not a shitty person, an ugly person, or a worthless person. He showed me that I am beautiful, attractive, and worthy of love. Now, we are no longer together (which btw is a good thing) but I carry with me the message he sent of having self-esteem and seeing my own self-worth. When we broke up, I was able to continue to see my inner beauty and strength, and I love myself now. In the past, validation from him felt great, but I don’t need it anymore. If I believe that I’m attractive, then I’m attractive. I don’t need other people’s approval, and I don’t need anyone to validate me.

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Right Body… Wrong Society!

One of the reasons for my physical (and attempted hormonal) transition is society. In this world, I can’t just have boobs and a uterus and a “female” gender marker, and be taken seriously as a man. I have to come up with proof, cough up some evidence, of my identity… otherwise the world won’t recognize me as a man. So, I’m “supposed to” get lots of surgeries, and go to court to get my name and gender changed, then contact government offices/insurance company/doctor’s office/DMV who has my old name and gender on their records and have them change that. I’m probably “supposed to” cut my hair shorter… and stop wearing pastels. Hmm… Not sure what the latest addition of the official FTM Handbook says. I’m going on a tangent here, but the point is, I can’t just live my life freely without consequences, so it seems like there’s no other option but to alter myself as much as I can to let the world know I’m serious about my manhood… even though my gender identity could change at a moment’s notice…

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Finding Love In San Francisco???

A thought just occurred to me:

As long as I’m a Bay Area resident, I’ll have a higher chance at getting laid than I will at getting a boyfriend/lover/fiance/husband. This is compounded by the fact that I identify as a gay trans man & gender non-conformist. If I do find someone desirable, they’re usually from online and live thousands of miles away. It may just be my experience, but the people who live in the middle of nowhere get partners, but the people in cities with 3 million people in them get nothing!

Occasionally I find some people who are living in the Bay Area but for some reason or another, it doesn’t work out. I’ll want them, and they’ll tell me I’m awesome, but they don’t want me because I’m too young/too old/not on testosterone/too “feminine” (puke-sauce)/not cheerful enough/too disabled/too much like a sibling to them/too much like a baby to them so they feel weird about seeing me sexually—or just a lack of chemistry. Or they’re someone I really want, but they will be partnered already (having found someone in the Bay Area by a miracle). Or they’re someone I want, but found a partner in some other state/country then moved to the Bay Area with their partner because it’s so great here (notice the sarcasm) Or they might want me, but they are REALLY bad for me! I better learn to love myself A LOT, cuz it looks like all I’m gonna have is ME!