Worn Out….

I am at a point in my life in the trans community where I feel worn out, burned out, zonked out, over-loaded, run down, and just plain annoyed with all the bullshit that comes with heavy involvement with social networking websites! For 5 or 6 months, I have been bringing up very controversial subjects, and they have REALLY pissed people off! But I shared these subjects in the hopes that someone out there in the World Wide Web would benefit from some of the things I say or write about. I appreciate the (few) people that DO support me and DO benefit from what I write. Those are the people I want to think about and cherish.

However, it can be hard to do that when my personal life ain’t so great, my parents are lacking in their support of my transition, and the HATERS that wanna have online flame wars with me! I’m really exhausted, and I know I’m gonna get shit for this, but I am so tired of being the only one in front of the firing squad, “taking the bullet” for the people who may share similar experiences as me, who may have strong and controversial opinions like me, but, for one reason or another, aren’t putting themselves out there as boldly and as intensely as I am. I’m an intense and bold person, and I want to be helpful. But the insults, high school drama bullshit, and angry replies to my writings have stressed me out, and made me feel physically ill!

I feel like all these months of being controversial with my writings have been two-fold. 1. A conscious effort to be helpful.  2. A sub-conscious way of figuring out more about myself by writing it down. I’ve become more stable in who I am as a person, and I feel like I need to make trans things less of a focus of my life. There is more to me than that. I really want to take a break from social networking, and explore other interests. (if I can tear myself away from the ‘net!)  I am making a physical transition, and plan to even get bottom surgery in a few years, and I think that once those things are done, and I have made blogs/videos of my recovery process, I won’t have anything more to talk about regarding being trans. I’ll just want to live a quiet and content life.

I feel like I want to retire eventually from my heavy involvement with blogging, being in groups, and making videos. Perhaps every now and then, when some epiphany arises, I’ll blog about it, or upload a video, but I really, REALLY need to explore other interests for the sake of my well-being! Negativity, insults, and haters can really wear on me… they can really wear on a lot of people! My brain needs a vacation from things that are trans-related, and it needs a vacation like NOW!

Testosterone Might Affect Mental Health

Sharing my experience with T, and the terrible side effects I had. With Opal, my purple hedgehog.

Dating… Yeah…

So, okay.. I have thought about dating someone numerous times, but I see a potential obstacle: my transition. I must admit that I’m a bit wrapped up in myself right now, focusing a lot on what I want to do to transition, and my upcoming top surgery. Now, it would be lovely to have a boyfriend to cuddle up with while we sit on the couch and watch all 5 seasons of “Queer As Folk”. It would be fabulous to have someone to have hours and hours of sex with. It would be wonderful to walk down the streets, holding hands with my boyfriend, and doing a lil kissing as we wait for the light to change. However, I don’t think I can handle the potential challenges and the work involved to make a romantic relationship a healthy one, while spending all this time and energy on my transition journey. Transitioning is challenging in itself, but to put a relationship on top of that might be way too much for me! Not to mention the unfair-ness of putting a boyfriend through my journey and being self-focused. Being trans is a part of me that won’t disappear if I get a boyfriend. Surely there are ways to keep transition from being the focus of my life, but I’m not in a place in my life where I can put in the work to do that.

A lot of my blogs and You Tube videos and Tumblr posts and friendships are transgender-based. I’m not only wrapped up in myself, but I’m wrapped up in the community as well, because I need some kind of support from trans people who know what I’m going through. So, my life right now is totally trans-overloaded, but having some kind of link to the trans community is necessary, not just for support, but to share the nuggets of wisdom I’ve accumulated over the past couple of years to other trans folks that I know.  I think that sharing my perspective as a trans person is important for the world to see (and hear), because if trans folks like me don’t speak out about our lives, how will anyone know we exist? If I don’t say anything, who will? Not a lot of non-binary trans folks are vocal about their experiences, and if they just want to live their lives and not deal with the bullshit of being vocal about their experiences, then that’s perfectly fine! Because I know from personal experience that being vocal about my journey causes me to get a lot of criticisms, a lot of arguments, and a lot of hate because of the blunt way I say things, as well as the challenging subjects I bring up. But I’m willing to be someone who expresses my journey–not that I speak for all non-binary people–but as someone who is non-binary displaying to the world that I’m non-binary, and this is my story.

I kinda went on a tangent there, but it was only to give an example of how over-loaded I am, and that a relationship right now in all this chaos isn’t a good idea. I don’t think I’ll be this trans-oriented for the rest of my life. But, hell, I’m like a toddler right now! I’ve been out of the closet for 3 years, and we know what toddlers are like! Do you know any toddlers that are ready to have a boyfriend and make the relationship a successful one? I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but I don’t know any 3 year olds like that! I’ve got some growing to do, some exploration to do, some figuring out who the fuck I am to do! Perhaps when I’ve gotten out of Toddlerville, I’ll be able to have a romantic relationship with somebody.

I’m Done! Now What?

In my opinion, I think that we as trans people have no past, a difficult present, and an uncertain future. When I see people online and offline transitioning, mostly they are young people in their pre-teens, teens, 20’s, and 30’s, who can’t wait to transform, because being the way they were born causes so much agonizing dysphoria, and hate from society.Trans visibility is limited, and unless one is watching Jerry Springer or the Chaz Bono story, the trans folks who are visible are young. It’s a little scary actually, to see all these youngsters with piercings in odd areas, hairstyles & tattoos they might regret later, and this enthusiasm to hurry up and transition so they’ll finally be happy. I’m concerned that they aren’t thinking about the future; not thinking beyond the “I’ve completed my transition!!” phase. I just wanna ask a 20 year old: when you’ve finished all the transitioning that you want to do, what do you imagine your life will be like 20 years later? 10 years later? 5 years later? 1 YEAR later!! Some people might not have an answer for me, because a lot of people don’t look past the completion. I mean, congrats that you’ve done it…. but now what are you gonna do with the rest of your life?

I rarely hear or see any trans people that are over 45! I rarely hear or see any older trans people who have fully transitioned (whatever “fully” means to them) 10-20 years ago, and how their lives are now. It just seems like once a trans person gets into a certain age group, and once a trans person has completed all they want to do to their bodies, then they disappear. They vanish! They vanish, and they aren’t around to tell the world of our history! Perhaps they don’t want to. I mean, that’s the point of transition, right? To transform, to move on, and to forget about all the shit you went through to transition, living a “normal” life, blending in with all the cis people.

However, I have spoken to some of the young, pierced, enthusiastic trans folks, and they say that they have NO desire to erase their past, forget where they came from, and not share their stories once they have completed their transition. I’d like to think that these excited, young trans people will follow through, and actually share their pasts with the world once they’re done. I just worry for them (and myself) that our future will be utterly bleak, because we have lacked the storytellers of decades past to share our history with us. To share how life was after they transitioned. I fear that we’ll be lost, wondering, “I finished. Now what? I spent the last 15 years thinking about transitioning, and barely thought about anyone else! How am I supposed to live my life now???” It’s a valid question: how ARE you gonna live your life after completing transition? It’s a harsh, but totally possible, reality that in the future, there could be lots of post-transition depression, and lots of post-transition suicides. People could simply think to themselves that they have absolutely nothing to look forward to, and end their lives.

I don’t have the answer for anyone as to how they should live their lives after transition. It’s not my place to say what people should do with their lives. But I think people should really consider the future, after all that anticipation, excitement, and the joy of completion has worn off.

Dismantling Gender

I know I’m a radical, a revolutionary, an innovator, and waaaay ahead of my time, but I want to live in a world where the construct of gender is dismantled, and everyone is genderless. Why is society clinging to gender SOO MUCH, even those who identify as Agender, Genderfluid, and Non-Binary? Are people afraid of losing something in particular if gender were eradicated?

I think that in the trans community, gender is everything to them. It’s all they talk about, all they think about, and they focus on their gender labels way more than any cis person EVER would! It seems like they think that a genderless society erases their existence, their life experiences, their personality traits, and their freedom to finally be their true selves, and the joy of self-expression… although some trans people don’t experience the joy of self-expression because other trans people bully them into conforming into the gender binary system.

 As far as I’m concerned, trans people who get bullied by other trans people for self-expression, and don’t want to live like stereotypes, should be the first in line for signing the Gender Eradication Petition.. if there was one! Actually, I would be the one who created the petition, and would have the first signature on it! But Genderfluid/Agender/Non-Binary people complain to me about how unfair a genderless society is… as well as the stereotypical binary trans folks! I don’t get it!

A no-gender society DOES NOT mean an erasure of anyone’s existence! It DOES NOT mean we’d all be the same! Why can’t we have a variety of life experiences, all sorts of label-free personality traits, a complete freedom to express ourselves WITH JOY, with no one bullying anyone to conform– without the construct of gender: an oppressive system that was created to control people, and it makes our lives miserable.

Passing???

I’ve been out of the closet as trans for 3 years. Since the time I first started hanging around with other trans people, I’ve heard the word “passing” 10,000 times at least! “Passing”, from my understanding, means being read by society as the gender you identify with. I used to identify as a trans man, and in the trans men community, lots of people offline and online have given me tips on how to “pass” as male, because in their eyes, I CLEARLY wasn’t “passing”–and they made sure that I knew that at EVERY opportunity they got to talk to me! I felt ashamed of myself, and I felt like I had to try harder to “pass”, because cis people wouldn’t believe I’m male unless I followed their tips. Well guess what? I followed their tips, and people didn’t believe I was male, whether they were cis OR trans! Obviously, their tips were useless! After realizing my complete inability to “pass” as male, I started to think that if a person doesn’t follow the transgender “passing” tips, then they are seen (to some people in the community) as a transgender “failure”! WTF?! Wait a minute– a transgender failure?! No one should feel like a failure for not “passing” according to the “rules” of the trans community! This whole concept of “passing” sucks ass! It causes me to think that “passing” is a game trans people are playing on the world to trick them into thinking that they are cis people! When I look at it that way, I realize that the trans community’s definition of word “passing” is shitty, and nobody should feel pressured into trying to “pass” according the Transgender Rule Book. They should be free to be themselves, to act/dress/behave however they want, and not care about whether or not they “look the part”, as if being trans is some kind of performance. Screw the “passing tips”! Screw the Transgender Rule Book! Just be you!

That’s Not Funny! That’s Hurtful!

An internet friend wrote this about the touchy subject of people offending others on the internet, making fun of minorities, and giving trans people a hard time for being themselves:

 

If someone makes a racist/sexist joke, say, with total seriousness, “I don’t get it, can you explain it?” Then watch them crash and burn.

OPEN MESSAGE to anyone who doesn’t “get” what this means, why jokes aren’t funny when they’re hurtful, and why “isms” and stereotypes are not okay:

I am walking minority, and I’m calling you out on your attitude. I want to understand where you are coming from– Does anyone have the balls to give me an honest answer? I’m going to let you into my life a little bit, and see if then, you could explain what precisely is so funny about these types of jokes?

Let me make it clear that i don’t blame the world for my situation; it’s simply the reality of my life, and i have to deal with it. However, i’d sincerely like to understand the mentality of, “i don’t have to worry about it, so it’s funny/not important/this person is beneath me,” because these attitudes stifle my life, EVERY DAY. To imply that there’s some sort of obscure humour to be found in making fun of people who aren’t married to a member of the opposite sex who is within their age range and race, and living behind a white picket fence with 2.5 children, is absurd. I apologise for any redundancy, but I CANNOT WRAP MY MIND AROUND IT.

All I’m asking for is compassion. I want you to live your life to the fullest, but PLEASE understand that I am just different, NOT EVIL, and i deserve to be happy too!

Is it funny that I’ve been raped and strangled because I’m a woman?

Is it funny that Trayvon Martin, and millions of others are profiled, attacked, arrested, murdered, because their skin colour somehow makes them seem more suspicious?

It sure wasn’t funny to me, when I showed an acquaintance a picture of my beautiful son, and she actually said to me, “Your baby is really cute for being mulatto. No offense.”

Is it funny that coming out as an agender, bisexual human being puts me at a serious disadvantage in life, and even a target to be attacked or killed, based on the preconceived notions of others?

How funny is it that, whenever I go out in public, people look at me like I’m someone who might harm them, just because I let my appearance reflect my personality?

Is it funny that these jokes lead to acceptable societal views, to hatred, oppression and even death?

Is it funny that people are offended by these hateful “jokes” and stigmas?

Adults are far more vicious bullies than their children, and they tend to pass it down like genetics. Bullied souls often wind up miserable, committing suicide, neglecting and abusing others, and occasionally, going on murder sprees.

I have PTSD so severe that I’ve spent my entire life focusing SOLELY on surviving. Part of my survival mode, when psychiatry failed me, was drug addiction. That further threw me down the ladder of “people you get to look down on”.

I’m recovering from these things daily, without professionals. I believe “mental illness” is a damaging term (and HUGE stigma) that can’t possibly encompass what it means to live with a brain that perceives reality differently. I am not “crazy”; society tells you what is “mentally ill,” and what is not, and you take them at their word, because society just wants everyone to be quiet, and not bother anyone else. Fit in, conform, and shut up.

I can’t afford health insurance; I’m waiting on the Medicaid expansion until the ACA takes effect. I can’t work unless i can get my “mental illnesses” under control, but I can’t afford to go to a doctor and buy medications, or even get documentation of my illnesses, so I can GET disability and health insurance while I’m recovering. I get judged for these things EVERY. SINGLE. DAY… and that’s just the tip of my iceberg.

I am ostracized, for merely having a traumatized brain that is stuck in survival mode. Why do I need to label myself with PTSD, in order to get empathy? That’s awfully personal, and I don’t ask you about your health, before I’m kind to you. Why can’t you look at me and understand that I am who I am because of what life has handed me, and how I’ve reacted? That’s all anyone is! The strong and weak zones of my brain are different from the average person and society is not set up for anyone to live outside the box.

If these things are not funny, you look like a selfish ASSHAT, if you continue to seek amusement at the expense of others. I don’t need to lighten up and learn how to take a joke– I do have a sense of humour, but pain and oppression are not funny.

Look at my face in the avatar: I’m a person; i think and feel. Do i deserve to have my life trampled on, because i am in minorities?

All i can do is hypothesize, since i don’t believe anyone can give me a valid answer… Maybe you’re so uncomfortable with what goes on outside your reality that you just have to shut it out, and use humour to make it better?
Maybe you were raised to be hateful? Maybe you’re insecure about yourself, and need to feel better than others, in order to survive? I DON’T GET IT, though, and as I said before jokes are supposed to be funny. Fear is natural, but so is curiosity. Why not open your mind, just a tiny bit, and try something new, even if it’s just your attitude? We would all be much better off, if we could show a little bit of compassion.

I wish you all peace and love. We could all use more of that in life.

I don’t expect to change everyone’s mind, but I know do one thing. It certainly isn’t funny for anyone to write these off as the crazy ramblings of a feminist, recovering addict, liberal after reading this, for that truly, is the decay of society.

Pronouns…

I’m okay-ish with “they/them/their”, but I saw a set of other pronouns on someone’s blog that I like better–ve/ver/vis:

Ve: Ve laughed. I called ver. Vis eyes gleam. That is vis. Ve likes verself.

I realize that some people might find it an inconvenience to adopt a totally unheard of set of pronouns, but I think that what I want to be called should be respected and acknowledged. Even if it is all new and confusing to others at first.